First of all, there is New York, acoustically everting on top of Berlin. Please take your time to vision(?) that. I can’t even describe all the thousands of noises and tunes, getting to me, whilst sitting in the middle of this café. My favourite Barrista is present today. I wonder if there’s some hidden braveness to ask if I can put him in my drawing, but as you can see, I cowardly drew people from behind sitting quite far away from me. Anyways, ‚all I can do is smile and say hello‘ in a Sleepless in Seattle-attitude, when I see him. Everytime I appealed to someone I felt affection for, it kind of ended in a desaster of patterns of my childhood. I tend to attract the unsociable father-figures, even if I talk to women. However, smiling seems the best, besides the fact that I could hardly have a proper conversation at the counter with all it’s million noises.
Running against the ‚unsocial barrier‘ with others must seem as a very unlikely Aspie trait for people like psychiatrists and customers of tabloids, who mostly state, it would be the other way `round. But to me it is indeed a very logic thing. I attract unsociable people for the sake of fighting my way to sociability so hard all the last three decades of my life. I’ve kind of become a professor in overcoming.
Therefore especially my old contacts are based on retreating behaviour. None of my therapists ever noticed that fact. It’s just me, because I can’t make these contacts work.
And I believed that f o r s o l o n g, until every spark of self-confidence left me.
What most people don’t understand about autism – especially in women – is that you can adapt and learn and compensate a lot, to a degree of invisibility, but that won’t eliminate the difference of the brain model. It’s like inventing the best wheelchair ever, but it still doesn’t give you the ability to walk with legs.
So – I’m driving. I’m a driver mistaken as a pedestrian.
I’m not unsociable. Autism is not unsociable. There’s hardly anything else I concentrated so much on, than being social with others. It’s just getting there another way, whilst others often don’t even try
– and (it hurts to observe) mostly never get anywhere.
Next time I will ask him and add a little drawing to the smile.