Defizitlehre

Ich wuchs mit den Reden auf, ein Dach sei ein Zuhause,

eine Schule sei ein Ort der Lehren für’s Leben,

ein Beruf sei das höchste Ziel, der sichere Hafen,

alles Essbare sei Nahrung,

und der Krieg etwas Vergangenes das nur die Bösen gemacht haben.

Nichts davon hätte weiter von der Wahrheit entfernt sein können.

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Dear 13 yrs old me

Your failure was right. Your dreams were right and so much in place. Your perception never failed the truth. Your playing was practising the path of a better version of human kind. It was so clear to you, you’d always do your best. Your best in treating the planet and other sentient beings. Your best in thriving a life full of opportunities and growth and in helping everything around you grow. Not one dark thought crossed your mind. You would even befriend with villains; reach out a hand for them to cling to. It wasn’t your fault to be absolutely alone in this doubtless state. It was the beginning of something wonderful and miraculous. It wasn’t your fault to have parents who chose the dark way of addiction, destruction and death. It wasn’t your fault someone violently abused your purity. And it’s not your weakness that brought the pollution of all purity to a point of no return. It wasn’t your gun, shot the innocent deer, nor your machine, that blackened the ground water and suffocated the vital. And it wasn’t your lie. You asked them to stop. You asked them to turn off the news, floating your bright colourful mind with grey dust of hypocrit twisted story-tellers, so alienated from the truth they can’t see the obvious.You asked them to not poison the soil. You asked them to buy naturally grown food. It wasn’t your fault they made you think marmelade full of industrial sugars and dead animal secretions are as good as berries, fruits and leafy greens. It wasn’t your fault you turned sick. Just know that your body did the best job, trying to shield all the poison they stuffed in tins and called nutrition. It wasn’t your fault, you’ve lost your thyroid. It isn’t your fault your body now is in need of replacement. You did your best to help it and now you’ve found the best way possible to restore its health. Disability was the foundation of their teachings. The needed ‚you can‘ was a ‚you can’t and you never will be able to‘. Their direction was always the deficient and you were a child, bound to deficiency through unconditional love. Deficiency in all that is truthful and nutritious. Just like it got sucked into a super nova of mindlessness. Just don’t look into their black hole anymore. Turn away, mourn of those doomed to darkness. Forgive – then smile and bloom until your last glow. Don’t be afraid to shine. You will grow into happiness and one day it won’t be the suspicious stranger anymore. Try your best again as you used to do. Growing happy means growing up. The important is not the meaning, but the value of life.

Sincerely, your 37 years old you.

All I can do, is smile and say ‚Hello‘ – A Social Aspie Selfie

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First of all, there is New York, acoustically everting on top of Berlin. Please take your time to vision(?) that. I can’t even describe all the thousands of noises and tunes, getting to me, whilst sitting in the middle of this café. My favourite Barista is present today. I wonder if there’s some hidden braveness to ask if I can put him in my drawing, but as you can see, I cowardly drew people from behind sitting quite far away from me. Anyways, ‚all I can do is smile and say hello‘ in a Sleepless in Seattle-attitude, when I see him. Everytime I appealed to someone I felt affection for, it kind of ended in a desaster of patterns of my childhood. I tend to attract the unsociable father-figures, even if I talk to women. However, smiling seems the best, besides the fact that I could hardly have a proper conversation at the counter with all it’s million noises.

Running against the ‚unsocial barrier‘ with others must seem as a very unlikely Aspie trait for people like psychiatrists and customers of tabloids, who mostly state, it would be the other way `round. But to me it is indeed a very logic thing. I attract unsociable people for the sake of fighting my way to sociability so hard all the last three decades of my life. I’ve kind of become a professor in overcoming.

Therefore especially my old contacts are based on retreating behaviour. None of my therapists ever noticed that fact. It’s just me, because I can’t make these contacts work.

And I believed that f o r   s o   l o n g, 

until every spark of self-confidence left me.

What most people don’t understand about autism – especially in women – is that you can adapt and learn and compensate a lot, to a degree of invisibility, but that won’t eliminate the difference of the brain model. It’s like inventing the best wheelchair ever, but it still doesn’t give you the ability to walk with legs.

So – I’m driving. I’m a driver mistaken as a pedestrian.

I’m not unsociable. Autism is not unsociable. There’s hardly anything else I concentrated so much on, than being social with others. It’s just getting there another way, whilst others often don’t even try

– and (it hurts to observe) mostly never get anywhere.

Next time I will ask him and add a little drawing to the smile.

 

 

Creep (for a child slayer) *Trigger warning*

Still you creep down my spine,

your unforgiving superiority, the painless cocoon of your chained soul,

made of carbon envy and ice, welded together with a thread of melting hate.

You carved your traces into every rift to be found,

to inject your poison, creeping slowly to the core of everyone you’ve known.

You’ve sucked into all the light that fell on your breath,

though mine, though hers, though his.

Now he is dead. You’ve killed your very sun.

No more comfort for you and your craving grasp.

Who will lead your cracked surface to forgivingness?

You’ve cut me, you’ve chased her, you’ve killed him. I’ll learn to forgive –

you will be creeping back into your shadows and live the pain,

that makes us all the same.

 

Note: All lyrics are written in order to process trauma and are not meant for considerations or messaging of and to others. Thank you for keeping mindful distance.

Hypocrisy and me

​Of course I never knew, I was hurting sentient beings, back in the days when I was eating their flesh. Of course not.

Surely I only damaged my environment, because I did not see a chance in preventing others from doing so. Surely.

No, I never had an extraordinary attitude of getting whatever cheap products I want, just because I knew stores are filled. No, I didn’t.

Did I ever put so-called hygiene arguments over destruction of the planet, when I bought all these plastics? Nah, did I?

Well, I thought about not paying taxes, so the weapons my money would buy won’t kill children, women and men in other countries. But yea…can’t save the whole world ya know.

…what did you say? Atomic energy?

Duh! So many things, one human just can’t mind. Right?